Week 6 - Just Tackle #21!

Many things occurred last week that were expected and a bunch of stuff happened that was not - oh wait a minute - it all went as expected! The only surprise was a guy older than me tossing a huge TD pass and then springing up to the arms of an O lineman! While I personally wish some things went the other way, many were perfectly awesome! Peyton Manning - watching his femur break over and over on tape reminded me of the Theisman incident so long ago. I knew it was gross, but I had to keep watching and watching and watching! It was like that scene out of Fast Times at Ridgemont High - you know the one! It was hard not to watch it over and over and over................ uh - er - ugh - hmmm - oh, that was just a dream! Phew, Peyton is intact and was on a bye. It is strange for a Raider fan to hate the Manning family as much as Charger fans, but somehow they just grate on me. His non-stop friggin commercials don't help. America's Team - I am not talking about the Cowboys here folks - it's new England. If you are an undefeated team and you let another team waltz into your stadium and put up 48 points you had better hand over the friggin tiara! I drove past the stadium in Arlington and from where I was looking that place is a shithole - in fact, from what I have seen of most of Texas, the whole place is a shithole! I think that it is time for America's team to move somewhere else!. Wait a minute, most of the greater Boston area is a shithole too! I think that there is room in the East Bay for America's team, since even though they suck they still outsell both the Boys and the Pats in NFL merchandise nationwide. With respect to the Patriots all I have to say is Fuck - Wow - Only several broken femurs can stop them.... Vinnie Fucking Testaverde! I bagged on him last week, or more specifically the team that chose him, and boy did he perform. I saw that long pass and it was sweet! I think he met the DB on that pass in the parking lot because he bailed on that coverage like a whore in church. Hey, a win is a win - let's see how long 43 year old bones can take the pounding! Vikings - I never thought I would be writing about the purple menace, but I have to lay it out for Adrian Peterson. Where the heck was the much acclaimed Chicago defense? I gotta say that this guy is the best RB that I have seen come out in some time, and the last will be mentioned later. He's a rookie and he is leading the league in rushing - in Minnesota! Who would have guessed The Vikes have a losing record (take that Steve-o) but if they canput some players around this guy, they may have something. NEWS FLASH - Cincinnati officially sucks! The only thing worse is the NFC East. Other than the Pats, the remaining 3 teams have a COMBINED TWO WINS! The Raiders have won the same number! It's no wonder the Pats get into the playoffs all the time... The Saints - Drew Brees is dusting off his shittiness (is that a word - it fits if not) and they are starting to look like the just might have a chance at possibly coming around. I think I hedged like a presidential candidate there. Seriously, they had a nice W last week and did not look like dog shit as they had every other week. I felt so bad for them as the City was rising on their tide and it was looking like they were going to need to have some FEMA bags on their heads again.... the chargers - yeah, I am here to take it - the bolts beat the Raiders again - 8 in a row. FUCK. Did I say FUCK? Oh yeah, I did. Just tackle # 21. You got that Rob Ryan, defensive fucking genius? Just tackle # 21! Just tackle # 21. Just tackle # 21. Game over! What else do they have? Gates - perhaps. .....(sound of crickets chirping).... There's nothing but LT people! Sure , AJ brought in a new guy from Miami who drops more than he catches, but that is next week! Culpepper just fucked the dog here but Ryan and the defense should shoulder most of the blame. I gotta hand it to Norv - LT set him straight in their little talk - "give me the ball Norv or I will run your head so far up AJ's ass you will see Al Davis again"! FUCK! Asses kicked again! Beers Wheat Beer Sucks. Yes, you heard it first here - wheat beer sucks. Please see my earlier posts on (1) fruit in beer and (2) filtering beer and you can only deduce that wheat beer sucks. Let's review: It's cloudy. That means that it is not properly filtered. It is generally served with a fucking lemon wedge which violates the fruit in beer rule. Two strikes and you are close to out, but you still have some pitches coming your way. the third strike is the fact that it is made of wheat. Wheat? Isn't that for bread and Wheaties? beer is made of Barley, Hops and for us Bud drinkers, a bit of rice. Wheat is not part of it. I appreciate the fine folks that have only wheat to make some beer, and in this I refer to home brewed African beers that use pots of water, old wheat, and wild yeasts to make something, anything, to get a buzz from. I will give it up to someone who has no choice but to make beer from wheat to consume wheat beer, but those of you with a choice should know better... On another note, I would like to give a shout out to my wife who, despite the fact that only one male Charger fan in my neighborhood was man enough to attend, she put out a spread for the aforementioned game and even had a girlfriend over to watch my Raiders get their asses handed to them, again. I was not the cheeriest guy during the game as you may predict, and their recitals of passages from People Magazine during the game did not help. Anyway, I have two more games left on my contract this year, so contact me with games you think would be good for a football party. Thanks Sheri!

Week 5 - Raiders in 1st Place!

Yeah, it is a cheaply won title, due in large part to our bye week, but mostly to the stupid play of the Doncos. But it has been a few years since us Raider fans have been able to say that and depending on what happens on Sunday, it may be a while again. You know, you don't have to come in first in your division to win a Super Bowl as the Silver and Black have proven in the past.

I spent the weekend drinking beer and fishing in the Sierras and our TV coverage was weak, so I did not even watch a single complete game - shocking isn't it. It was pointed out to me by others in attendance that I could watch any game on the NFL network during the week, but could not get back out on that boat on June Lake from Escondido. We got periodic updates, but essentially missed most of the games completely. I am certain that this won't happen again this year.

Here's my recap of selected games:

Cowboys - This game I actually did see most of and I have to say that the friggin 'boys are about as big a pretender as any team that has ever stumbled their way to 5-0. How many complete fuck ups can your QB do and you still win the game? Granted, if you play a team whose offense could not get past the Escondido High School JV team, perhaps you have a chance. the worst thing was the friggin MNF announcers who had their lips planted so tightly on the Bill's collective sphincters that they really looked stupid when Buffalo lost, because they had already anointed the Bill's rookie QB as the next coming. Granted, he did OK for a newb but get your tongue out of his ass Kornheiser, or is that why you got that name?

Carolina - OK, you are 3-2 but you are killing off QBs faster than Ricky Williams snaps bong loads. This is the team that brought David Carr on board from the Texans where he was sacked like one BILLION times and now he gets injured? Has Carolina taken QB abuse to a new level? OK, fine, you need a new backup....let's see, who should we look for. I know, how about Vinnie Fucking Testaverde? There are people who can legally drink in all states that were born AFTER he left college! The guy was drafted in 1987! He is older than me! Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over? I heard that Marino said he could still chuck a ball, and since he is now on Weight Watchers he may be a better choice!

Chargers - It seems that LT had a little sit down with the Norvinator and told him how the dog wags the tail, or at least that is how it was reported in the SD Union tribune. I don't know about you, but any time your RB needs to get the Coach into a closed room to tell him to give the ball to the NFL MVP all I can say is it's time for a new Coach! Even though I had wished for a tie game, I would have taken some satisfaction watching Shanahan squirm on the sidelines getting kick after kick to his balls (if I could get only one shot - I would prefer to put shortie on a stool so I could get proper extension as I sent his prostate a little gift from his scrotum). Sorry, I digress, but that guy pisses me off in a big way! I hope to see his season go down in ruin.

I know some of your Raider Haters who read this are looking forward to this weekend as you expect the FIRST PLACE Raiders to lose big to the Chargers, but get a grip. Last week was an anomaly - you got lucky with a bad Denver team. Let's take a closer look: The first drive I will concede - not too shabby, but the second touchdown was a gift on a special teams play. At that point Jay Cutler had to Throw and you got a pick and it was all downhill from there. Good win for you, but when you add that to the collapse - at home - against KC, I don't see this as a trend.

The Raiders are coming in a bit hobbled as two defensive linemen, Gerrard and Burgess, will not play. But Dominic Rhodes will be there and Culpepper will certainly look to hit some slants as Donnie Edwards is not there to tackle anyone. Some dumbass on my football pool posted a poll wondering how big the point differential will be and the lowest number is 21 - I can assure you that if the Raiders do not win, and I think that they will, the will certainly cover the spread which varies between 9.5 and 10 at this point.

Beers

Something happened the other day that surprised me. I know that I like Bud Light and that it is generally better than Coors Light and Miller Lite, but I never really expected the lesser two beer brands to throw in the towel and merge! When you get down to it, are these beers really that different? Sure Bud Light is best, but Miller Lite has more taste....oh yeah, more BAD taste. OK, I will give you that - Miller Lite tastes bad, but certainly their advertising campaigns could make up for that - you know the ones with the More Taste League commissioner appearing as people try to drink? Oh yeah, that was stupid too. Well you would think that Coors Light would do better, even though it is not as good as Bud Light, right? C'mon, how about some marketing to overcome the foul taste of beer that should be refrigerated at all times that the 7-11 clerk left out in the heat? How about the SECOND year of stupid jokes on coaches by fake spliced in hecklers from the press corps - now that's funny - once - last year.

You have read here on a number of occasions how I prefer Bud Light over all for day to day consumption, but I thought I was just a guy with a preference, not predicting the need for all other major brands to gang together because they just can't compete. I think that this is bad overall, because without competition the commercials can only get worse......

Week 4 - Well What Do You Know?

We are at the quarter pole folks and things are getting interesting. Certain things that seemed to be plain out of place are starting to solidify into trends. Some of us are pleased while others are left to scratch their heads. All in all it makes for some good entertainment! Some of my thoughts on the week:

Patriots - while they kept it close initially, the Pats did what they always do and adjusted their game to take it to their opponents in the 2nd half. This is what you call coaching - start off with a game plan, make adjustments based on your opponent's reaction to your plan, and kick some ass! (Norv Turner has no idea how to do this, but that is no surprise). These guys are 4-0 and have outscored their opponents 148 to 48 - a difference of 100 points! This is incredible as the next highest total difference is the Cowboys at 79 and nobody else is even close. The Chargers you ask? they are -34, having been outscored handily by powerhouses such as KC.

Packers - I really must take a moment to make a retraction of a post that I did last year about Brett Favre where I told him to retire. He ignored me as he always does (he never returns my calls!) and has shown that he still has some game left in him. Crap, that guy can deliver a ball fast. I mean, one second the ball is in his hand at his side and the next it is 30 yards down filed stinging someone's hands. Fast, decisive action is needed to get the ball where it needs to be in this league and Brett certainly has it. Whether the Pack can continue beyond 4-0 is uncertain, but they are a scrappy team.

The Eagles - Hmmm, eggs in a carton, jurors in a room, months in a year, sacks of McNabb last week. What do all of these have in common? the number 12! Twelve fucking sacks? And one guy got 6??? I have not seen pass coverage this bad since the Charger line basically gave Ryan Leaf up to the wolves because they did not like him. Perhaps Donavan has pissed off his O-line or something because I don't think that the Giant's defense is that good as they now have a grand total of 16 sacks for the year. Hmmm, Donavan spouts off, has a good game, and then gets crushed. I am not sure what to make of it, but I am sure that time will tell on this one. One thing for sure, the Eagles will not see the postseason.

The Raiders - You knew it was coming, and here it is! The Silver and black have now equaled last year's win total at the quarter pole mark with a nice ass kicking in Miami. Little Layne Kiffin finally started Culpepper and he showed that he is a winner. He did not have to throw much as the Raiders #1 ranked running game took care of Miami's weak defense handily. He did show that his knee is fine and made sure that the fans in Miami knew it after his second of three rushing TDs. It was nice to see Jerry Porter haul in a few scores as well because if he is on he will rival Moss in talent (if someone simply throws the ball to him accurately). From where I sit, I think that the odds when the Raiders come into SD in two weeks will be much closer than bolt fans would like.

Chargers - Wow- what a fucking disaster! I knew the the norvinator was bad, but this is pathetic! His inept play calling has highlighted the weakness of San Diego's offense. What weakness you say? The glaring weakness that is the fact that unless LT has his hands directly on the ball you are screwed. Period. The facts for this argument are present in abundance. Even before Norv inexplicably withheld the ball from LT in the second half the Bolts only managed a meager offensive output - at home - against fucking KC! Watch out when Dominic Rhodes rolls down there with the Raiders, hungry for yards after a little league mandated vacation. I think that we may even see a little pissy slap fight on the sidelines between LT and Rivers if this keeps up! I also have one more prediction: At some point on Sunday, the TV cameras will pan over to Turner and he will have a look on his face like he is trying to remember where he left his car keys, or whether he wanted to order tofurkey or salmon for his thanksgiving day dinner.


Beers

I got a bit of feedback from last weeks comments about yeast in beer. Most agreed with me that it made the experience of drinking the beer less than agreeable if not totally fucked. One commented that it increased his flatulence, sometimes to uncomfortable levels. A few however, challenged my manhood and one went so far as to say that Sierra Nevada is meant to be drank straight from the bottle and those who decant it are wimps. All I have to say to that is go right ahead dumbass and suck up that yeast - just keep your gassy self away from me!

I will be fishing in the Sierras with some other jackasses this weekend and will probably have one or two beers - okay, maybe more than two! It will be nearly freezing the entire time, so in addition to the copious quantities of Bud Light, I think that some Guinness will be in order. Guinness is something that I really came to love during my 10 day stay in Ireland in 2005. When poured correctly, there may be no better beer. People think it is heavy, but it only has 10 more calories than a bud Light per serving. And it is so fucking good. Some people think that you can't drink it as an all day (night) beer, but millions of Irish can't be wrong. I can attest that you certainly can drink it just like an American "light" beer, but you need to be at a keg to do it. The Guinness that they sell in bottles ought to be thrown back into the sea and the stuff in the tall cans, while passable, cannot rival a properly poured pint from the tap. Most places don't do it right as it takes two passes to fill a pint and about 2-3 minutes of time. Can you say "Car Bomb"?

Week 3 - That yeasty taste

Another interesting week in the NFL.  Some things change and others stay the same, but the things that are changing - OY!  Alas, gentle reader, you may get an impression that I  somehow favor one team over another in this blog.  If this is the case, how right you are.  It is, after all, my stinking blog!

Patriots - impressive again.  I am not sure what can be done to stop them besides the cruel fate of injuries.  I seem to recall LT getting bruised ribs at the bottom of a pile a few years back - perhaps some of this could be applied to the Pats....

Eagles - and here I was writing off Mr. Piss and Moan Because I Am Black McNabb.  His comments are stupid and proves that he was frustrated by his shitty play.  Frustrated enough to shake it off and throw for a bunch in a 56 point outburst!  Nice game, to be sure, but here is a prediction:  He will get banged up and won't finish the season in this form.  At that point he will become embittered and become a racist.  Again.

Indy - Yes they are 3-0 but not in the same way as the Pats.  A bunch of 2 point wins against people that they "should" kill does not impress me.  These guys are beatable and we will see how they do against the AFC West.  Oh yeah, I hate friggin anyone named Manning.  Even nuns named Manning, actually especially them because they get a chance to take a new name once they take their vows!

San Diego - What can you say about this.  Hmmm, how about looking back at my post from this spring about the dumbasses named Spanos and Smith.  I watched that play that won the game for the Packers and knew right away that had Donie Edwards been in the play it would have gained 10 yards max.  It seems that Smith and Co. complained that his tackles (that led the team for 5 years) were too far off the line.  Hello shithead - at least he tackled them!  Now it seems that the Bolts will do without tackling at all.  Boy that sure works good!  Once Donnie works over the bolts this weekend (I predict 5 solo tackles and an pick), the Bolts will have been beat up by Edwards, Harrison, and Seau  -  all of whom were considered to be expendable.  I'll save the stuff on Norvenstein for another post as that is much funnier.

Oakland - first off the Raiders are tied with the Chargers - take that!  It seems that young Lane Kiffin learned a few things in Denver when Shanafuck stole the game.  He learned how to steal a game using a bogus time out AND he finally pulled shithead McCown out!  For God's sake - why did he wait so long?  What did Daunte do to him?  McCown has small yardage numbers, few TDs, and boatloads of picks PLUS two bum feet.  Yet - it was a W - the first since late October of LAST YEAR!  We can only go up from here and look for an upset in Miami!

Beer

Charger fans - do you know that shitty taste in your mouth?  Well that is the taste that you get from a boatload of yeast in your beer.  Yes, yeast is indispensable in the making of beer.  I have used it to great effect in my own brewing efforts.  But it belongs in the brewing process and not in your beer.  I LOVE Sierra Nevada - LOVE - but I will not drink it from the bottle because these purist fuckheads can't bring themselves to filter that yeast out because they want to finish the beer in the bottle.  Please - save it for the beer snobs.  You know the type - the ones who write shit like this into Beeradvocate.com describing Fat Tire Ale:

Poured a clear, light copper color with a good amount of carbonation and off-white head. Decent lacing. Aroma was rich and malty with a fair amount of biscuit and caramel. Hops were definitely secondary. Fruity, plum-like scent. Medium body. Spicy fruit flavor with plenty of sweet malt. Floral hops were in the background. Mouthfeel was about average. Well balanced. Could use a little more pizazz. Quite drinkable, though, and could be a good session beer, particularly at restaurants with limited beer selections.

What the fuck is that?  Is this queer describing beer or flavored condoms?  C'mon, "Mouthfeel"?  "Gee Frank your crotch smells lovely, like biscuits and caramel - are you using a new wax?"  What is a session beer?  To me a session needs about 20 beers!

Beer should be filtered of the yeast before being presented to the drinker.  Period.

Week 2 roundup - of mice and men (and beer)

Wow - now that was an interesting week.  You think that you have this game figured out and then, wham, everything goes upside down (except the Patriots - more on that later).  There are a lot of 2-0 teams that nobody would have predicted:  Green Bay, San Francisco, heck even Washington!  How about these at 0-2:  Eagles, Giants, Rams, and Saints!  This could be getting good...  here's a recap of some of the games:

New Orleans/Tampa Bay - Boy Drews Brees looked crappy again!  To get your ass handed to you by Chuckie and the gang (who probably last put up 31 points sometime in the last century) is embarassing for a supposed NFC contender.   Drew Brees looked so bad that he rivaled Philip Rivers in offensive futility.   It might be time to get a new stock of paper bags, Saints fans...

Oakland/Denver - All I have to say is that it's good to be the home team and have the ref in your pocket.  Damn - the Raiders WON this friggin game and then lost it.  My 20 seconds of joy was worth it, though because Oakland came into a tough place to win and performed well - Lamont Jordan rushed for almost 160 yards!  I think that young Lane Kiffin finally got an offensive line together in Oakland!  McCown threw some stinkers that could have sealed a win - I think he has to go but apparently Daunte called Kiffin a cracker or something so he is stuck on the pine.

Washington/Philidelphia - I think that the days of McNabb are coming to an end.  He threw so poorly last night that he could give Brees and Rivers a run for their money in bad passes.  If you are an NFC contender, you DON"T LOSE YOUR HOME OPENER!  At least not to fucking Washington.  Brett Farve may have to lead the NFC to their eventual ass kicking in the Super Bowl.

Now my favorite - San Diego/New England - There were some that placed the bolts at the highest echelons of the AFC - right up there with Tom and Peyton's team.  Well you can put that one to bed.  the Chargers stunk it up on both sides of the ball and Rivers was pathetic.  Add to that the abysmal performance of the running game - LT is ranked 39th in rushing so far this year - note that there are only 32 teams so more than one team have TWO players that have run for more than LT!  Heck, Lamont Jordan is #4!  I remember with great pain the days when the Silver and Black had dumbshit Norv Turner plodding on the sidelines.  He got outcoached so badly that even with the other team's playbook in hand he would have gotten beat!

Beers

A day like Sunday was a day for Bud Light.  Yes, I know it is a recurring theme, but for a sustained day of football and beer that extends into the night game, it is the best choice.  I did toss in a nice Newcastle Brown between the afternoon and evening game, savoring the near victory of the Raiders - hey at least we didn't get blown out. 

Week One roundup and Fruity Beer

So it turns out that some things change and others remain the same.  I guess that is a maxim to live by and it certainly applies in the NFL.  Here are some things that have apparently changed:

-  Drew Brees - WTF happened here?  He went from stud last year to looking like a deer in headlights rookie!  He threw some of the worst passes I have ever seen!  Perhaps his lakc of skill was magnified because right after another Brees groaner we would see Peyton whip out a missile right on target, but seriously - he looked BAD.  I hope for his sake that this is just opening day jitters....

-  The Chiefs - We knew that they would not be as good as last year, but losing to Houston, like that?    You saw it on my earlier blog where I pout them at 7-9 and I think that this was being generous!  I think that if they keep this up they could give the Raiders a run for their money for last place!

Some things that have not changed:

-  Peyton and Tom - man these guys looked good.  It is hard to imagine how any AFC team (all of whom could beat any given NFC team) could beat these guys.  I pity the fool that has to play these teams.  I guess the only thing that the rest of the league could hope for are injuries because otherwise this is a lock!

-  The Raiders - yes, as it turns out they still stink, losing at home to the Lions.  Hey, but Kitna was hot right?  It was sad - why did they start McCown rather than Culpepper?  The offense did have a pretty good day (if you ignore the turnovers that killed the game) - McCown was # 3 in passing in the league and the Raiders lead the AFC West in points scored (and points given up).  Jamarcus has agreed to a deal so when the Raiders are 1-8, he may get a touch or two...

Fruit in beer

I recently came across some Miller concoction that has lime juice already squirted in the bottle of beer.  I can think of no abomination greater than this, well maybe a few:  warm Coors, Guiness in a bottle, etc.  First off - DONT PUT FUCKING FRUIT IN YOUR BEER!  I mean, it's beer people, not some sort of springtime fruit platter! So if adding fresh lime to your beer isn't bad enough, this beer has some sort of premanufactured lime concentrate squirted into the bottle on the assembly line.  Nice touch!  Thanks for that refreshing squirt of Citric Acid and sodium benzoate friend!  Can you toss in a little dog shit while you are at it!

It's the MOST wonderful time of the year......

Greetings!

It's that time again and football is right around the corner!  The long wait is nearly over - God I hate baseball (except in October).  Why can't they just move right to the playoffs in baseball for Pete's sake!

I would like to make my predictions on the AFC West at this time.  We can all look back at this prediction in January to see how close I got.

Chargers

Norv Turner will find it hard to repeat the 12-4 record of a year ago.  Even though the AFC West is pitted against the very weak NFC North in interconference play this year, I still think that a record of 10-6 is about as good as they will do this year.  Sure, Phillip Rivers is maturing and the offense is solid, but I think that Jammer and company will let too many big plays down the field and they will lose a few games over this.

Kansas City

With a respectable 9-7 finish last year, I see the Chiefs losing a step this year.  Priest Holmes is gone, and they are being led by Damon Huard of all people with another unknown backing him up.  One injury and this is a team that is heading downhill, regardless of Herm's efforts.  This is an 8-8 team at best.

Denver

these guys could be the real deal this year if Cutler lives up to his promise.  I think that they have shown the ability to get it done over the last few years and may just come out on top.  Mike Bell will be a guy to watch.  I predict that they go 11-5.

Raiders

This is a big question mark, but with the easy NFC North the Raiders should get more than the two wins of a year ago.   Perhaps bringing in another new young coach will make the difference like it did when Chucky came in and took the Raiders all the way to the Super Bowl (one season after he left).  Jamarcus will not play a snap until at least November at this rate but Culpepper looks good from his play in the preseason.  the Raiders defense will continue to dominate and if they can get any offense at all, they will win some games that they lost last year.  I predict at least 2 wins in conference and a record that will be about 7-9.  Take THAT!

Beers

We are having a Labor Day block party today and it is around 100 out and the humidity is uncharacteristically high.  On a day like this there is only one answer - ice cold Bud Light and lots of it.  There is no other beer that I know of that will keep you cool in these situations as well.  Coors light and Miller Lite are just bad and this can be proven by checking the ice chest that was equally stocked with each at the end of the day.  Invariably the Bud Light is all gone and you are left with the swill.

Cheers!